Friday, July 05, 2002

Oh shit I'm so depressed today. The week I came 2nd in the club in a time trial and had such an enjoyable cross-country ride around the hills in the Dales seems an age away. Yesterday evening I walked out the door to put my shoes & helmet on in the car and it started raining. I sat in the car and watched torrential rain, waiting for it to stop. After 20 minutes it hadn't stopped but slowed down, so just went out and got wet. Got to the hill at the top of Malkinson ? And did my first sprint and felt like crap. Maybe too high a gear, maybe my mental state is affecting my riding. Who the fuck knows ?
That 'pinging' feeling of fitness seems to have gone. So it looks like I am here until the document processing software is installed and up running live. Hoo-fucking-ray. They aren't going to pay any extra for me to stay either. So I'm not earning any money for us, but if wasn't doing this I wouldn't be earning any anyway.
At 9.30 I decided to go and have a couple of pints. so I did. 3 and a half to be exact. Slept OK.

Thursday, July 04, 2002

The simpsons are on late in the evening on Sky ! I've seen two new episodes so far this week. I took a long time, or seemed to take a long time to get off to sleep last night. Left the office just after 17.00. Sat on the bed eating an oatcake, heard a suspiscious noise, the telly crackled. Oh shit, thunder. Then stair-rods of rain. Well, carried on eating, waiting to see when it eases off. 18.20 still raining. So decided to call off the evenings fun. Was going to go hill interval training up at Matchmoor hill. Sort of thought I could get up a little bit earlier today and do it this morning, but the way I normally feel in the mornings; I don't think so !
So went for a drive over towards Halifax, Todmorden, over Widdop and meandered around Accrington, Rawtenstall.
There a shitty smell here. I think it is garlic from Mr. Smelly, mixed in with a little bit of fart, All these veggie-wanky types leak farts due to their unnatural diets.
Very depressed, as I have been for some days. Well, for what seems a long, long time. Had an odd dream last night: I was cycling up the M6 and dodging slow traffic by riding between the lanes. Came off into a factory and followed some guys through to get off the motorway into a services. Met wife & daughter who was having her homework marked & she got 1 out of 17. Which upset her. We drove off with me so mad at my daughter and wife mad at me for not speaking.
This is no doubt becuse I did'nt go to my daughters review of University options last night. Which is something else adding to my guilt/depression. Like not sorting a holiday out because of Joanne not wanting to go away. So we have fear of an economic downturn and no job, uncertainty after the take-over, family etc. Oh fuck it all, lets just leave early and go a long ride in the hills.

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

What ? Er, ah um oh. Off I go:
It is Wednesday. Last night I did'nt get drunk. Monday night I got drunk. Pretty badly drunk in the hotel bar with some of the regular bar-proppers. I started the evening off with a bottle of pils, then a bottle of red to help wash down two cheese toasties. Yum yum. In the bar I avoided vodka and red bull, instead drinking strong lager, which on reflection was a bad idea. It gave me a nasty hangover. At some stage I went and sat in my car listening to music. I know this because I left the interior light on. But before the evening of overindulgence I did a plod around Belmont and up over Winter Hill. Went sort of hard. Tuesday customer not happy with the great document server. Had a meeting on Moday afternoon, the issue of firewalls and security was raised. So had to do some emailing and phoning to get this resolved. Whatever. As if I care. The company that took over the company that we were sold to back in 1997 has now been taken over by an even bigger company. Yet another US company. So lets look out for those good old accounting 'irregularities' that are coming out of the woodwork so much nowadays. Like listing expenses as capital purchases. Hahahaha.
Yesterday had a few pain killers as I felt so bad. Now I simply must reign in this drinking before it really damages me. Last week I drank too much on 4 evenings, including a really heavy session in the hotel. I trained with the bash yesterday and eat a light snack. Then lying in bed I had stomach ache. I can't damage myself like this, my racing will suffer. I think lack of sleep after drinking too much is already helping make my base heart rate too high and sops me recovering properly.
Spoke to Hazel late yesterday evening (23.45) who is still waiting the results of her biopsy, and she said that I don't have to drink so heavily. If only I could stop !

Monday, July 01, 2002

Monday yet a-fucking-gain.
Been pretty depressed these past few days. No reason, just depression. What fun. Saturday was down, drank quite a lot on Friday evening which wouldn't have helped. Also bought two 4-packs of Grolsch strong lager on Saturday evening, well I had to ! Two 4-packs for six quid ! And then sat out and drank all but half a tin. So thats seven and a half tins, just about six pints.
Went a training ride thinking all the time 'why am I bothering with this ? I'm old and knackered and may as well just pack it in'. Which I have thought a lot recently. That is just depression I suppose, and maybe the fact that I have virtually no support or encouragement as a bike racer. Which means that when I am down there is no-one to lift me up.
My wife is useless, I've learnt long ago not to unburden my soul to her, she will just say, 'yes, I feel like that when x'. when x is some situation that could maybe be blamed on me, such as the time I was off drinking when her father died. Or the time I was off drinking when David knocked his front teeth out falling off his bike. So I put it to her the main reason I went off drinking instead of coming home like the good little husband was that she objected to me going off bike racing. This was not a good thing to say, almost as bad as suggesting we threw the crap teapot away, the one that leaks. Oh, it belonged to my Nan and it works OK she says. Oh really ? Well in that case we will see what shitty old junk I can find that belonged to my grandmother which we can use around the house. Fuck me, am I being a little too picky here ? Or is living in an untidy pig-sty because she don't like throwing stuff out just not much fun ? There is a lot to be said for living in various hotels up and down the country during the week. Like not being close to the stupid fat cow.
The only encouragement I have had this year has been from a certain ex-professional UK champion who said I was looking fit and my legs looked strong and I was riding well, at the last RR I rode,. Then when I did a good ride in the evening club '10' I was invited to join the club team for the 2-day.
I felt quite good for a few days after that, but now I am in the depths of a depression.
I must have a good long talk to Hazel this evening. Well, often when I start talking she has some reason to stop, like a 'phone ringing or someone ringing the doorbell. Maybe I bore hre too.