Thursday. Last nights work on the turbo was horrible and I had no motivation whatsoever. So I didn't work as hard as the session dictated then went to the bar and stuffed beer down my gob. Then sat in my room scoffing wine, then back to the bar and hit Sm Ice. Result, a fairly late night, insuffient sleep, feeling rough today which will no doubt disturb this evenings session, which at the moment I just don't want to do. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Not sure how long I will be up in Horwich, not sure how long I will be employed when the work here ends. I did think I would be here for a while yet supporting, but now Paul is doing the local stuff, I think they wont want me. Fuck it. David is still ill, beginning to get worried about him now, its been since Monday.

Wednesday. Feel more optomistic today. Really if circumstances get me down I should seek to change those circumstances. It is all down to force of character. I have to seek to rise above those things that wack me. Went into Parkers and bought a pair of Mavic Cosmic Elites IIs this morning, at �199. Was in Smiths in Bolton yesterday, same wheels there were �360 ! Bought a pair of yellow & blue Conti 3000s from smiths, �21 each. Parker price; �17.95 each. Also got a chain, Dura-Ace and Ultegra cassette. Plan to take the cassette from Kysriums & put on Cosmics, new Dura-Ace on Kysriums, new Ultegra on Shimano wheels, new chain on best road bike & see how it goes. Use the Cosmics for ordinary races, the Kysriums for special & TTs, train on the Shimanos which now have last years Conti 3000s on, and keep the Comets for turbo training. Well that was all very interesting. Monday sat & had a couple of pints with the lads in the bar, sat watching tv in room & drank bottle of red, then fell asleep, back to bar at 11.55, empty but got 4 bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Sat & listened to CDs on laptop.
Yesterday went home & did circuit training & fun turbo work; 15 secs, 45 rest, 20 and up to 60 secs, down to 15, back up to 60. Hard going and tried to use big gear all the time.

Monday. Word for today; Fuckit. As in fuck everything, it all stinks. Friday went into the new(old, last there 4 years ago) office. Interesting thing discussed in meeting; 'we might get rid of company credit cards & you have to claim everything on expenses'. Something I heard is the car is not definite, the lease company might not want to do business with our new owners. And, we are totally merging into the new owners, our name is going as from the end of January. My car is getting its new engine on 26 Jan, but will I be getting the car back ? I'm now really depressed. This morning saw parents doing normal happy things like taking children to school. I felt awful, all the time with my two I have missed over the years doing this job, which is now beginning to fill me with loathing. Oh, its fine when the money flows in in increasing amounts, and the perks are good, but now times are getting hard and the outlook is poor, suddenly all the fucking hard work I have done over the past years is being convieniently forgotton. All the income I have earned, all the large amounts out of my life look to mean sod-all. I remember when David was a baby I would rather stay in the pub in the evening than rush home to see him. Then, from late 1995 onwards I spent increasing times away from home. Seeing those parents taking their kids to school this morning made me feel awful. I can never get those times back. I suppose on top of Friday, and the bloody awful drive up the motorway my mood was not good.
Saturday I woke to dark, and had to drive up to the post office to get something that they couldn't deliver in the week. My body fat calipers ! I was going out for a hard session, but not only was it cold and icy, it was slightly foggy ! And I wanted to see the 'Cross as Pete was riding. So I took David to see it.
Saturday was a major step forward, we went to a wedding celebration, cousin Jill who got married to an old beer-bellied arse in Hawii. I drank, 1 pint, and a small diet coke ! I've broken the duck of going out and drinking heavily !
Last week I bought an accurate set of digital scales. After my hard turbo session on Thursday I weighed in at 73.8 Kg. Saturday moring I was 76.5 Kg, this moring 76.2 Kg !
Yesterday moring once again drove up to Becketts, starting off down the main road it was so cold my jaw ached ! Eventually warmed up after Bidford. Going back was a hard session, well I didn't feel it was hard but all that was left of the original group of 14 was me, Beans and Psycho, we went hard up Gorcott, I think if I pushed hard I could have dropped Beans. Felt tired and sleepy in the afternoon, was going to see the 'Cross but dinner wasn't ready until 16.00, and I didn't even go to see Dad. Then the dishwasher broke, I think the overflow pipe blocked, I sucked water from it, and it went OK later.
A text mssg yesterday from H says she has left her partner who cleared out the bank a/c, now she has no home, money or car. Rang her but on divert, I try later, got a couple of mssgs saying she was alright though.