I just sent Hazel some flowers, because I feep sorry for her.
It sounds like shes in real pain, but when will I ever learn to let go ?

Its such a shame that all the past 15 years was how it was. And even more so, seeing as it was mostly my fault.

Ho hum. I'm just happy that I have almost sorted my life out, which is crap seeing as I am almost fifty. A slow learner, and I'm not there yet.
I think I'm over Hazel, or over myself and alcohol maybe.

Friday
And this is my last day in the office for a month, hoorah ! As I'm off to Greece.
Thought about sending her a bunch of flowers, but as I have just booked a week at a house in Saundersfoot and have to get Jaynes tyres done tomorrow I'm going to look after my money. No point in sending good money after bad.

Called Wythenshawe hospital at about 17.45 yesterday. Hazel has had the operation, she was up and about, they found a lot of inflammation and took samples for a biopsy, so she is waiting to hear the results. She thinks she will get sent home as soon as they decide she can go, as they are short of beds. Crap or what. I really want her to get better.
Oh, last Thursday I went and bought a cream suit from M&S to wear in Athens, as its a little bit hot, and usually gets hotter in June and July.
And looked at arranging a trip to Santorini ! A volcano is there !

Yesterday she rang me after she was sent home because they had no beds. I had my mob on divert as usual. Blimey, thats pretty disgusting. She has to ring them at 7.30 this morning to see if they have any beds, but as the operation is due this morning she is going in anyway, and says she won't budge. i hope it all gets done and she is OK., and everything gets sorted.
Went to Doctors this morning and got a prescription for 1 months supply of anti-depressants. As I'm off to Athens for the rest of June I can't stop taking them, as the withdrawal symptoms are pretty bad. Taking the increased dose seems have lifted my mood, though yesterday was not so good. Whether this is because Hazel said she spent the weekend with a friend in Hull, raising my suspicions once again, but on reflection thats silly, because who am I to care what she does anymore ?
I really hope that spending a whole month away in a different environment gets her out of my head completely. As I hoped Switzerland would have done, but I found myself being pulled back to her, resulting in me buying her an expensive Christmas presents, a ring and an expensive birthday present. I could do with that money now. And gave her my lovely watercolour box and Davids old mountainbike. Will I ever learn ? Yes. I did. A near breakdown was the hard lesson I had to learn. And boy, did that hurt. It still hurts but I am beginning to find the resolve to force her out of my thoughts. I stopped texting her, I will call the hospital later today to see if she has had the operation, but then thats it.

I have decided after all the races I rode in 2003 and 2002, and the training I did then, that I am overtrained, which is why I went off racing last year, and can't be bothered this year.
And the fact I went to Switzerland for November and December. I wonder if I'll ever get racing again ? I would really like to, and now I have lost 1 stone from what I was earlier this year, I really should.
Worried about Hazel I wish I had called her over the weekend. I'm weakening.

Tuesday.
Yesterday was a bank holiday. When the banks all go on holiday to the seaside and frolic in the waves.
So, this weekend I put up some mirrors in the en-suite (ooh get you, an en-suite, thats going up in the world from having to wash at the Ascott water heater in the kitchen of a council house !)
Dad for dinner, texted Hazel. Had abso-fucking-lutely nothing to drink, in spite of the fact Friday was 29C and Friday evening was boiling hot. Really felt like a drink that evening. Took David to see the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy film yesterday, pretty good ! Nearly had to go and collect Joanne from Bristol as the trains were a problem due to some mechanical problem. She got one though, collected her from New St.
Today Hazel goes into hospital, I meant to call her over the weekend, and promised I would, but didn't, partly because of that 'hello darling' call still rankling. I always keep my promises and what I say I will do, I do. But in her case I can make an exception.