Friday, May 20, 2005

Strange couple of days. Sent Hazel an email yesterday morning asking about the photo and some other stuff. Really dense of me to do that but my brain still isn't working right and got the answer I deserved.
Went to the shrink yesterday afternoon. Looks like the happy juice really brought on my depression, well, certainly made itinto an illness rather than just my normal feelings of depression. With my mood swings and erratic behaiviour. I asked Joanne if she had noticed I had stopped drinking, she certainly noticed it when I was, she said stopped Jordan from going in the living room when I was drinking as she was so ashamed of the amount I was drinking.
2 bottles of wine isn't excessive ? Is it. Ha.
Looks like I have been drinking excessively for more years than I should have.
Typical week - Mon nothing, Tue bottle of red, Wed nothing, Thu bottle of red & beer, Fri nothing, Sat 2 reds, sun 6 0r 8 tins of lager. How many units ? Fuck knows, more than the 21 recommended, which is what I could usually get through in 1 night.
A couple of times yesterday I felt good, Wednesday and tuesday I had some real lows, especially
Tuesday evening after about 4. Today I feel OK.
Ho hum.
Its the track tonight, seeing as I am down to 79.6 Kg (!!!) I should start riding again. Seeing as I've only ridden my bike 3 times, a total of 45 miles, this year I better do some training first.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

So up and down, feel pretty OK today, yet yesterday afternoon I felt totally awful, just so bad. Went to bed at 10.15 and slept well, even though I took a long to to drop off and was having some fairly dismal thoughts. Was that the pills unable to supress my feelings ? Or mood swings brought on by the pills ? Which is a known side-effect.
At least my weight is coming down; 80.2 Kg, 1 month ago it was 87 Kg. Now all I have to do is find the motivation to ride my bike.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Went to the doctor this morning. He doubled my dose of ant-depressants.
The more I think about her, the angrier I become. Again. Just like last September. So I'm stopping thinking about her.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Sunday evening, in my bedroom.
I have been on anti-depressants for 3 weeks and feel not a jot less depressed. The Hazel thing still confuses the fuck out of me. Do I love her or hate her ?
For instance I sent her a text on Saturday week, saying I don't see the point of keeping in touch as it wou;d cramp her style with her new man, which brought back a few responses. As I turned my mob. off and spent the following day looking round the Parthenon in blinding sunlight, I didn't care too much.
Ah, last 2 weeks were spent in Greece. After a long w/e for May Day, I hied me to Manchester and flew to Frankfurt, thence to Athens. Ordinaryish hotel, hard work with long hours, had the odd beer and cocktail, not too much though.
And Saturday went on the boat to the island of Hydra to look around, where I burnt my neck in the blistering sun. Sunday looked at the Acropolis, I was astonished by the quality of the 3000 year-old statues, some still with the original colouring.
She texted me all the time saying to keep in touch so I called her on Friday from Athens airport and got a chilly reception. Ha. So I'm not going to bother keeping in touch anymore. Fuck it. I think I'm coming to hate her. All the things I have done for her, and would have done for her. Thank goodness I didn't leave Jayne for the unreliable liar.