Monday yet a-fucking-gain.
Been pretty depressed these past few days. No reason, just depression. What fun. Saturday was down, drank quite a lot on Friday evening which wouldn't have helped. Also bought two 4-packs of Grolsch strong lager on Saturday evening, well I had to ! Two 4-packs for six quid ! And then sat out and drank all but half a tin. So thats seven and a half tins, just about six pints.
Went a training ride thinking all the time 'why am I bothering with this ? I'm old and knackered and may as well just pack it in'. Which I have thought a lot recently. That is just depression I suppose, and maybe the fact that I have virtually no support or encouragement as a bike racer. Which means that when I am down there is no-one to lift me up.
My wife is useless, I've learnt long ago not to unburden my soul to her, she will just say, 'yes, I feel like that when x'. when x is some situation that could maybe be blamed on me, such as the time I was off drinking when her father died. Or the time I was off drinking when David knocked his front teeth out falling off his bike. So I put it to her the main reason I went off drinking instead of coming home like the good little husband was that she objected to me going off bike racing. This was not a good thing to say, almost as bad as suggesting we threw the crap teapot away, the one that leaks. Oh, it belonged to my Nan and it works OK she says. Oh really ? Well in that case we will see what shitty old junk I can find that belonged to my grandmother which we can use around the house. Fuck me, am I being a little too picky here ? Or is living in an untidy pig-sty because she don't like throwing stuff out just not much fun ? There is a lot to be said for living in various hotels up and down the country during the week. Like not being close to the stupid fat cow.
The only encouragement I have had this year has been from a certain ex-professional UK champion who said I was looking fit and my legs looked strong and I was riding well, at the last RR I rode,. Then when I did a good ride in the evening club '10' I was invited to join the club team for the 2-day.
I felt quite good for a few days after that, but now I am in the depths of a depression.
I must have a good long talk to Hazel this evening. Well, often when I start talking she has some reason to stop, like a 'phone ringing or someone ringing the doorbell. Maybe I bore hre too.